A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and
keep the score.What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"
"10" said the caddy.
"Great, you'll do perfectly!"
---
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf
ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing mates remarks: "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"
"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't
lose it. You hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and
a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots
up six feet in the air for two minutes."
"That's great. Where did you get it?"
He replied, "I found it."
---
A man, about to tee off felt a tap on his shoulder and a bloke handed him a
card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may
NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."
The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head
with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute
sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.
---
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls
and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course
to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said
I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over
the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at
first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really
not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied"
Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
---
Nick, an avid golfer uses a "Medium" to ask if Heaven has a Golf Course.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out
and get back to him in a few days.
Several days later, Nick gets a call from the Medium.
"Well, what did you find out?" asks Nick.
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK," "what's the good news" Nick said excitedly.
"Well, there's is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24
hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!
"And the bad news?" asked Nick
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10 in the morning!"
---
A married couple are at their breakfast table. The wife says to her husband:
"Honey, if I die before you will you remarry?"
"Well," says the husband, "we have had a good marriage, so, yes,
I'd probably remarry."
A few minutes later she asks: "Honey, if I die before you, and you remarry, would
you bring her to live in our house?"
He thinks about this then says, "Well, we worked hard to pay off the mortgage
and it would be silly to move someplace else so, yes, I think I would bring her
to live here."
Another few minutes go by, then she says, "Honey, if I die before you and you
remarry and you bring her to live here in our house, would you let her use my
golf clubs?"
"Don't be ridiculous," he blurts out, "she's a lefty!"
---
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
---
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the
putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked,
"What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other
replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that
she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch
out the bad ones!"
---
Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. "Quick,"
said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."
---
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine,
visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker
- "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee,
please!"
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again
the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's
tee!"
Jim had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly
shut up and let me play my second shot!"
---
A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day.
They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually,
one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty
good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!" "Hey, good
trade!" replied the friend!
---
Rab addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something
went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway
and hit a man full force. He dropped!
Rab and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious,
with the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens" said Rab, "what shall I do?"
"Don't move him" said his playing partner, "if we leave him here
he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies
or drop it
two club lengths away."
---
A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within
5 yards of the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across
the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon
after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just
then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off.
The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits
out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"
