Christmas Fun

Enough Christmas One Liners To Bore The Relatives To Sleep!

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.

If Athletes get athletes foot, then what do Astronauts get?
Missile-toe!

How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?
Mice skates.

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan!

What's red and white and red, red and white, and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill!

Grannie, this turkey's disgusting!
Well, you asked for a foul roast!

What type of food would you get when you cross a Blizzard with a Polar Bear?
A brrr-grrr!

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinselitus!

Mommy, can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else...

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve

What is the medical term given to folk who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic

What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears?
An ice-burglar

Did you hear about the Dumb turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Why is Santa a good racing car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!

What's red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.

What do you call a cow in Alaska?
An Eski-moo.

What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear?
An Eskimono...

This Turkey tastes like an old sofa.
Well, you did ask for something with plenty of stuffing.

You know, did you ever get a strange feeling that if Christmas, Birthday's and Father's Day didn't exist, then aftershave wouldn't exist either!

What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
It has no EL!

Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.

Why did Frosty go to and live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - cos he's always stuffed!!

What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?
He gets snowflakes.

Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?
They both drop their needles...

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With a North Pole-aroid camera.

Man, last year's crissy pudding was so god damn awful, I had to throw it in the Ocean!
...That's probably why the ocean is full of currants!

On the night before Xmas, a generous lawyer, an extremely honest politician and Santa were having a beer at the local Pub. After the last round, they all got up to leave and noticed a £50 note lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up???
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Grandma bought the family turkey for Xmas dinner, and it was enormous!

"That must have cost a fortune!", I exclaimed.

"Actually I got it for a poultry amount," she replied.