Groucho
Marx was born
in New York in 1890. He died in 1977. With his brothers (The Marx Brothers) he
worked the vaudeville scene, before making it big in the 30's with many excellent
comedies. In the late 40's and 50's he hosted a very popular show, 'You Bet Your
Life'. His recognisable look was the cigar, bushy eyebrows and bottled glasses.
This is
my own collection of favorite Groucho Marx Quotes, mainly from his early 30's
movies.
Groucho Marx Movie Quotations
Animal Crackers
Quotes (1930)
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Animal Crackers DVD
Africa is
God's country, and He can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early
on the morning of February 2nd. After fifteen days on the water and six on the
boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We at once proceeded three hundred
miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear. This bear was six
foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on.
One woman
and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your
grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. Think, think of the honeymoon,
strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or
two but no men. I may not go myself.
The Elks,
on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their
annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole.
And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're
looking for is an al-co-hole [or Elk-o-hole]
One morning,
I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I don't know. Then
we tried to remove the tusks...but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't
budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely
irrelephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls,
but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.
Monkey Business
Quotes (1931)
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Monkey Business Places DVD
Groucho:
...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...
Chico: On his what?
Groucho: Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what "vessel" is?
Chico: Sure, I can vessel... [starts whistling]
Oh, I know
it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing
to a state of extreme poverty.
Afraid?
Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Horse Feathers
(1932)
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Horse Feathers DVD
[to Bavarelli]
- Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Wagstaff:
Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
The Professors: But Professor, where will the students sleep?
Wagstaff: Where they always sleep. In the classroom.
Wagstaff:
Who was that?
Connie: The ice man.
Wagstaff: Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice.
[to Frank,
his son] - My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got
five dollars bet on the other team.
Two thousand
dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.
I married
your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
[to Bavarelli]
- You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid
of it.
[Giving
an alibi and a wink to the audience too] I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around
in case something goes wrong with her pipes. (To audience) That's the first time
I've used that joke in 20 years.
Duck Soup Quotes
(1933)
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[To Chico(lini)]
- I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Clear? Huh!
Why a 4-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a 4-year-old
child. I can't make head or tail out of it.
Don't look
now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
Say! You
cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear
you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in
a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon,
you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since
I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
(Grouch)
Firefly: [talking to Trentino] Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of
fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
Trentino: What!
Firefly: I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
Gentlemen,
Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and
brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary.
Marx Brothers
Buy This Photo At AllPosters.com
A Night at the
Opera Quotes (1935)
Buy Night at the opera Video
Let there
be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
(Groucho)
Otis Driftwood: It's all right, that's, that's in every contract. That's, that's
what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello: Ha ha ha ha ha... you can't fool me. There ain't no sanity clause.
When I invite
a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to
pay.
Every time
I get romantic with you, you want to talk business. I don't know, there's something
about me that brings out the business in every woman.
[to Gottlieb]
- You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why,
you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a
buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.
Last night
I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed
to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?
A Day at the
Races Quotes (1937)
Buy A Day At The Races DVD
[Dr. Hackenbush
(Groucho) taking Stuffy's pulse]
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
...
[Stuffy munches thermometer]
Your temperature certainly went down fast!
...
[Stuffy intently stares whilst being examined by Hackenbush]
Don't look at me! What do you think I am? A peep show???
[asked to
'OK' a file by Secretary]
I'm too busy right now. I'll tell you what. I'll put the 'O' on now and come back
later for the 'K.'
[Tony offers
Hackenbush a hint book.]
Tony: $1 and you'll remember me all your life.
Hackenbush: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.
[to Dr.
Steinberg] Don't point that beard at me! It might go off!
---
No, no,
I'd rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice
law and I don't walk on the ceiling.
At the Circus (1937)
I'd have
thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape measure Go
West (1940)
We've got
to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg,
give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in
one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work
it out for himself.
A Night in Casablanca (1946)
A woman
can smell mink through six inches of lead.
Double Dynamite (1951)
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