Steve
Martin
Biography - Steve was born in Waco, Texas in 1945. He started out as a stand-up
and in the early 70's was a regular performer on tv shows, including Sonny and
Cher, 'Saturday Night Live' and Ray Stevens Show. Since the early 80's Steve has
tackled a variety of comedic and dramatic actor roles. Blessed with a very satirical
and intelligent wit, he has presided over the Oscars ceremony. Martin has also
turned his talents to writing well-received books over the years as well as creating
several of the screenplays for the movies he's starred in.
This
page represents my personal collection of favorite Steve Martin quotes.
Steve
Martin Movies include - Planes, Trains & Automobiles, The Man with 2 Brains,
Roxanne, Father of the Bride, Housesitter. Find Steve
Martin Movies on Amazon.
Book
Highlights - Pure
Drivel and novel Shopgirl.
Steve Martin Movies Quotes
The Jerk Quotes
(1979)
The new
phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous
publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going
to start happening to me now.
First I
get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more
people see that than the phone book.
I know we've
only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and
5 days.
Dead Men Don't
Wear Plaid Quotes (1982)
I hadn't
seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl
with the Big Tits
All dames
are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out
and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it,
shove it in the oven and cook the sh*t out of it. Then they slice it into little
pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to
say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious."
Steve Martin - Cyrano
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The Man with
Two Brains Quotes (1983)
Ladies and
gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive
in the bodies of dumb people!
Into the
mud, scum queen!
Young Lady:
Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose!
Lady: But I thought...
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought. Just go! 3 years of nursery school and
you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a
subdural hematoma. It's epidural!!!
Three Amigos!
Quotes (1986)
Hold it
El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
You son
of a motherless goat!
Three Amigos!
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Roxanne Quotes
(1987)
And I was
just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love
to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be *in* your shoes at
this particular time and place.
[During
the bar comeback scene]
Fashionable: You know you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger...
like Wyoming!
Polite:
Would you mind not bobbing your head; the orchestra keeps changing the tempo.
Humorous:
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye Seattle.
Obvious:
Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face.
It's not
the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts!
Planes, Trains
& Automobiles Quotes (1987)
[Waking
after sharing bed in a motel with john candy's character]
Neal (Steve Martin) Page: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?
Del Griffith: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal Page: Where is your other hand?
Del Griffith: Between two pillows...
Neal Page: Those aren't pillows!!!!
You know
when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It
makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
Cab Dude:
Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.
Neal Page: If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take
a leak.
To be with
another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Quotes (1997)
Women have
choices, and men have responsibilities
Parenthood Quotes (1989)
LA Story Quotes
(1991)
There's
someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night
goggles to find them
I could
never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
Hello, this
is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking
at the sound of the beep.
(Steve)
Harris: Well, I was thinking of taking you on a cultural tour of L.A.
Sara: That's the first ten minutes, then what?
[Studying
a painting]
I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy
is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of
paintings. The way he's holding her, it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about
to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against
her...
Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make
out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really
... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking
at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must
admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally ..... erect.
[we see the painting - it's a red rectangle]
---
I never
touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.
My Blue Heaven (1990)
---
And don't
forget to fasten your condoms! ...Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.
Father of the Bride (1991)
---
Wow! You're
a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullsh*t.
Housesitter (1992)
All I've
ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Sgt Bilko (1996)
---
Always do
business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because
he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.
The Spanish Prisoner (1997)
Bowfinger Quotes
(1999)
She had
the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas
This film
is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.
Think of
this as an errand. Your errand is to run across the freeway until I yell "cut
